


Wedding Bell Blues

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 11:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3894955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers were easy. Now, there's the wedding preparations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wedding Bell Blues

“You know, I’m starting to miss fighting the Reapers.”

“There were a few advantages, I’ll admit.”

John Shepard and Kaidan Alenko had retreated to a small house just outside of Vancouver. It wasn’t much, but it was a place to rest their heads while the Normandy underwent extensive repairs and the Citadel wasn’t in a better state. The Silversun Strip had, almost to a building, been shut down while a full accounting was made of the damage and the dead, including the Tiberius Towers, locking Shepard out of his own apartment. They’d at least been able to fly by and see that the building was still intact, but that was all C-Sec would allow at the moment, even for the Hero of the Citadel (twice over).

Despite that, he still wanted to fight his way into the building and reclaim a place that he could sit down, settle in and just call home for even a little while. He could handle the efforts to put the planet back together in the wake of the defeat of the Reapers. 

What he might not survive were the plans of everyone around them ‘helping’ with the wedding. 

“I felt safer dodging bullets. At least then I could shoot back.” Shepard’s grousing got a small smile from his soon-to-be husband. 

Wrapping his arms around Shepard, Kaidan smiled and gently kissed a spot behind Shepard’s ear, making him smile slightly as well. “They mean well.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t be in same room as most of them right now without wanting to shoot them.”

“If you do that, no one will be at the reception.”

“Good, then that means I don’t have to even bother with the monkey suit.” Kaidan pulled back at that, giving Shepard a glare. Shepard held up his hands. “I know, I know. It’s traditional. But the last two times I’ve worn a tux have been in the line of duty. You can’t blame me for expecting that they lead to trouble.” First Donovan Hock in a gunship, then the charity event at the casino, part of the business with the clone. Shepard half expected a clone in a gunship would show up before they could exchange vows. If anyone spoke up at the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace bit,’ Shepard swore he’d simply shoot them on sight and on principle alone. 

Kaidan shook his head. “You’re expecting the worst, John.” Shepard would admit to liking it when he actually heard Kaidan use his first name. So few people ever did, and Kaidan usually kept it to when they were alone. “These are our friends, and they want to make sure that we have a good time. They know this is about us. They just want to do something to show us how much they care.”

“They could do the same if we eloped.”

“Our mothers would kill us and you know it.”

***

Shepard had, after much persuading, primarily of the naked kind, agreed that he wouldn’t even joke about shooting anyone. That promise was almost immediately tested when Joker showed up and started talking about plans for a bachelor party.

“I’m telling you Shepard, it’s a great deal. The Shezani sisters are the most popular act this side of asari space! And, on account of you being the savior of the galaxy and everything, they’re willing to perform for next to nothing!”

It wasn’t a help for Shepard’s headache that the rest of the group around them, which currently consisted of Garrus, Tali, James, and Steve, let out a collective sigh at Joker almost blatantly missing the point, though he appreciated it all the same. “Joker...”

“C’mon, Shepard! The Shezani sisters NEVER do private parties for non-asari! They say only other asari understand the ‘finer details’ of their dances. But for the savior of the galaxy...”

As Shepard massaged his migraine, Tali took pity on him. “Joker, you do realize that you’re discussing inviting a pair of asari dancers to Shepard and Kaidan’s bachelor party, right?”

“And?” Shepard couldn’t tell if he was being intentionally oblivious or just milking it. Either way was annoying.

Shaking his head, more in frustration than humor, Steve looked to Joker. “AND when you’re discussing the entertainment for the bachelor party of a man marrying another man, female strippers are not the way to go.” At Joker’s inhale, Steve continued. “They look like women, they use female pronouns, and they say they’re ‘monogendered,’ which means one gender, and female is one gender. Saying that they can’t be female because of the absence of a male gender is outdated binary thinking.” 

Joker scowled at him. “I hate it when people use fancy, complicated words like that.” 

“Regardless, I’m NOT having any strippers at my bachelor party, asari or other, and I don’t care how much you’re trying to drop on them.” Shepard had never understood the concept of the ‘last hurrah’ of a stripper at a bachelor party, and the last thing that he wanted was to have one at his, and that went from asari dancers all the way to Jimmy Vega: Pole Dancer from Omega. He loved Kaidan, and he didn’t need to be reminded of that by ‘standing up to temptation,’ or whatever the justification of having someone show up at the bachelor party and take off their clothes was. “That’s final, Joker.”

Joker let out a harrumph. “Ugh. FINE. Pass up the opportunity of a dozen lifetimes, then. But just so you know, your replacement gift is gonna be crappy and subpar.”

“Somehow, I’ll survive,” Shepard deadpanned. He wanted to begin to enjoy the evening, being outside of the various elements of wedding planning. His day had been a long and unpleasant one, as Hannah Shepard and Marisol Alenko had arrived that morning. The hurricane had begun almost immediately. Both women were strong-willed, opinionated, and determined to give their son the wedding that they felt they deserved. Naturally, that meant that they had quickly ended up attempting to outdo the other’s attempt. Right now, Shepard was looking to just relax and not have to think about anything but how bad a hangover he wanted in the morning.

But he couldn’t even get that. “You know, speaking of the bachelor party, it’s my understanding that traditionally for a human wedding, the best man is the one who plans that,” Garrus said. Shepard’s poker face threatened to crack at the leading question. He really didn’t want to get into this, not here, and not tonight. All he’d come out here for were a few drinks. That was all. And yet...

“Yeah, loco, c’mon. You guys are gettin’ married in a few weeks, and you don’t have your best man yet?” James added with a large grin. He and Garrus had been jockeying for a straight answer to the question of who would be who’s best man, both of them certain they had earned the position. The more they tried to nominate themselves for the job, though, Shepard found himself more and more uncomfortable with the thought, especially with, as Garrus had pointed out, the best man traditionally planning the bachelor party. The thought of either of them planning a bachelor party for him or Kaidan was terrifying.

Still, not wanting to get into all of that here of all places, he just let out an irritated sigh. “I’ll have one before the rehearsal, all right? Can I please just enjoy my evening?” Somehow, he figured the answer was going to be no, but he had to make the attempt. Just a few hours of relief from the wedding prep would be nice.

Luckily, there was a distraction in the form of a rowdy patron over on the other side of the bar, drawing the attention of the others, especially when he began singing a raunchy song about his dick. Normally, Shepard would have demanded he stop in order to soothe his headache. Tonight, it was a balm. 

Or at least it was until James’s drink kicked in and he started trying to sing along. Then Shepard decided it was time to make a quick escape. The last thing he needed was Kaidan having to post his bail. Though he did amuse himself with thoughts of sending his mug shot with the wedding pictures... But he also wanted to be alive to enjoy his honeymoon. The sacrifices that one had to make.

He made it out of the bar and, doing what he could to avoid the lights so no one on the streets would recognize Commander Shepard, began making his way towards the house.

Entering the house was practically reentering the warzone.

Hannah Shepard and Marisol Alenko were both wide awake and looking over their respective plans.

“Marisol, you can’t be serious about this!”

“It is a family tradition that the parents of the couple make the cake together.”

“You’ve seen the latest guest list. The entire galaxy wants to be here. Not to mention there are going to be turians and quarians in the actual reception. They can’t eat our food. And for that matter, I don’t know if there are cake equivalents for them.”

“We’ll figure something out, Hannah. Or do you simply not trust your ability to cook?”

“You... You are absolutely infuriating, you realize that?”

A part of Shepard was inclined to tell them that they should just kiss already, because their interactions sounded very similar to the way Liara and Javik interacted, and Kaidan had won the Normandy crew’s pool on them finally getting together (Shepard had still been unconscious at the hospital when the crew had placed their bets as the two of them had begun work on the first draft of ‘Journeys With The Prothean’). But the last thing he needed was the idea of a SECOND Shepard-Alenko family wedding.

He tried to be stealthy as he moved through the house. He’d just made it to the hallway towards the bedrooms when he practically ran into Kaidan.

“You’re home early,” Kaidan said softly.

Half in a panic that he’d get drawn in to the argument between their mothers, Shepard shot a glance over his shoulder. Mercifully, it seemed that they were too involved in arguing about the catering to notice. Sighing in relief, Shepard moved to let Kaidan get to, presumably, the kitchen. He was holding a coffee mug in his hand, at any rate, which seemed a good indicator of where he was going. He looked back to Kaidan, who was getting his coffee, seemingly trying to keep from drawing their mothers’ attention. “The bar got a little tiresome,” Shepard answered Kaidan’s implied question.

“Joker tried to convince you about the Shezani sisters too, huh?”

“Him plus James and Garrus posturing about which of them should be my best man.” Shepard looked to Kaidan. “Probably going to start giving you grief about it too.”

With a sigh, Kaidan nodded. “Yeah, you haven’t checked the vid-mail account lately, huh?” In the name of ease, they had a joint personal vid-mail account, which they had assigned to all the wedding business. Then they had Glyph go through them to deal with the things they didn’t need to attend to personally.

“I’ve been avoiding it.” 

“That’s probably for the best. They’ve put together video.” 

Shepard’s head hit the counter.

“Are you sure we can’t fight Harbinger instead?”

***

As a favor to Liara, who was trying to get Javik to get past the point where he referred to the galaxy’s current dominant species as ‘primitives’ (surprisingly, according to the publisher for their book, his habit of mocking the species that had followed the protheans might be seen as antagonistic, who would have guessed?), Shepard and Kaidan agreed to have him assist somewhat with the decorating of the area where they were housing the reception. 

The problem with that plan was that Glyph had been running interference for their mothers, which meant that the VI was there. 

“Pardon me, Javik. But Admiral Shepard would like the floral decorations in the northeastern corner. She says that they’ll receive better light there.”

“This is foolish. In my cycle, such ostentatious displays were unnecessary.”

“Tradition calls for many such rituals among human cultures. Would you like me to send a listing of various wedding rituals and practices to your mail account?”

“No.”

“Perhaps you would like some examples of significant weddings in human history? The wedding of many figures in a place of prominence such as Commander Shepard and Major Alenko have been considered significant social events.”

“Be silent! Bothersome machine...”

Observing this served almost as a form of stress relief for Shepard – at least he wasn’t alone in his aggravation these days. As Kaidan passed him, relaying another message between their mothers (having opted for a safer choice than leaving them in the same room as one another), he stopped his fiancé. “Call me crazy, but I think Glyph is doing that on purpose.”

For a moment, Kaidan considered that. Then he chuckled. “I suppose turnabout’s fair play. How often does Javik serve as a pain in everyone else’s ass?”

“Isn’t that part of his charm?” 

There was a sudden crash. Shepard winced – Javik would yell at Glyph, and his mother would yell at him. “At least we talked them out of using antique glassware...” Shepard murmured. Kaidan patted his back as Shepard heard the swift footsteps of his mother approaching. She bypassed Shepard and went straight to Javik.

Shepard didn’t know who he was rooting for, but he did know he needed to watch this. The last prothean and an Alliance admiral... If it weren’t his mother as the admiral, he’d probably take pictures. He trusted Javik not to opt to use his biotics on her, but he wasn’t so sure that she would refrain from trying to pop one of his eyes... 

This wedding was only going to end in bloodshed, Shepard just knew it.

***

“Garrus wanted me to remind you again about you needing a best man, and that he’s more than willing to take on the position,” said Tali as she examined the flowers.

“Yeah, James was saying the same thing,” Steve added as he brought in a load of chairs from the loading area. They were still trying to keep the number of guests fairly low, even with constant and unending requests, but their mothers had been willing to have extra seating brought in, just in case someone got pushy. There were hills that they were willing to die on, but if their mothers started insisting on certain people, the odds were uncomfortably high that there’d be a fight they didn’t want to have.

The best man issue, though... That was the thing. “Please tell me they aren’t going to start having an outright measuring contest on my front porch...” Though that would be better than the alternative, but still, one more headache than he just did not want. 

“I think they have just enough restraint not to,” Cortez said with a grin. “Though I really wouldn’t be surprised. They’ve both been pretty excited about the idea. Though James would probably be excited about any excuse to throw a party.”

Shepard shook his head. “This is ridiculous...”

“I’m not sure I understand why there’s a problem,” Tali said. “Isn’t the best man supposed to be a close friend? Surely Garrus and James count as such for both you and Kaidan. Why is there this difficulty?”

On paper, she was right – this was bordering on exaggerated. But it wasn’t quite the same as ‘on paper.’ “I don’t know. Maybe it’s more about the fact that... I love them like brothers, but I have this fear that they’d end up having far too much fun with it. I don’t think they’d be the best choices for best man.” And Kaidan had agreed, knowing that, while they loved Garrus and James, the two of them were likely to end up, unintentionally or not, drawing attention to themselves, rather than letting the day be Shepard and Kaidan’s. Especially if they both had chosen one of the two – he figured it’d be too easy for it to end up being a pissing match between them, even if they were trying not to. It was just who they were. 

Steve and Tali shared a look, both of them understanding instantly what Shepard meant. Right now, they were practically competing to be best men. If they had the position, it’d probably be even worse. They wouldn’t exactly put it past either option to essentially try to one-up the other, even if they’d both been chosen to be best men for both grooms.

“On second thought, you may have a point,” Tali acknowledged. 

“You know that they’re not exactly going to stop, though, right?” Steve asked.

“That much, I figured out on my own.” Shepard sighed, knowing that he was going to have to make a choice soon – they were hitting up on the date everything had to get finalized. He looked to both of them. “So... Steve. What do you think of being my best man?”

It took Steve a few moments to register what Shepard was asking him. “Me?” 

“Besides putting this competition between Garrus and James to rest, I would want you standing there. I’ve trusted you with my life, getting me to the battlefield time and time again. Even if I weren’t sick of Garrus and James fighting over it, I’d rather you be my best man than either of them.” 

Steve took a moment to get his head around the concept, but he quickly broke into a grin. “I’d be honored, Shepard.”

“You do realize that Garrus and James are not going to stop with this, though? There is still Kaidan,” Tali pointed out. 

“Kaidan was already planning on asking someone he knows, who he worked with after what happened to the SR-1.” Shepard and Lieutenant Porter, in the Medical Corps, had only spoken a few times, but he’d struck Shepard as a good man. Not that he’d needed the affirmation – Kaidan wouldn’t have wanted him as a best man if he weren’t a good man. Kaidan counted very few people outside of the Normandy crew circle as close enough to ask that question.

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Well, then. Who’s going to be the one to break it to Garrus and Mister Vega?” he asked with a chuckle.

Shepard hadn’t had much cause for smiling during all the wedding prep, but that brought a wide and almost sinister grin to his features. “That honor falls to my best man.”

Almost instantly, Steve’s face dropped. He looked to Tali. “I shouldn’t have accepted.” 

***

It wasn’t much later when Admiral Hackett and the Council arrived. Since the Cerberus Coup attempt, Hackett had been the de facto human representative to the Council, and, following the defeat of the Reapers, what little remained of Alliance Command had made it official. That position had led to him showing the Council around Earth to see how the rebuilding efforts were going, and, naturally, they simply had to stop and see how the Hero of the Citadel’s wedding preparations were going.

“It’s too small,” the asari councilor said as she took in the venue. 

Even if neither of the grooms hadn’t feared the possibility of their mothers fighting over the size of a larger venue, they both bristled at the comment. Places on Earth had little connection for Shepard, but Kaidan had wanted to be married in the same place his parents had been, a relatively small resort on the coast. There was enough room for the crew from the Normandy, as well as a few other close friends, and an outdoor reception for the inevitable camera crews, but much more than that would have strained the building to the breaking point.

Knowing that Kaidan wasn’t the type to directly confront the councilor for her comment, Shepard stepped up. “It’s enough for us, councilor.” He managed to almost keep his desire for murder at someone else’s unsolicited opinion of their wedding out of his voice.

“Perhaps you haven’t seen the Council’s amended guest list, then,” the salarian councilor stated.

“Excuse me?” That came from Kaidan, who’d delivered it in an emotionless deadpan. That was a dangerous point for him, Shepard knew. This was not going to end well. And since when did the Council get a say in the guest list for their wedding? 

Of course, the Council had little recognition of Kaidan’s reactions, and the councilors seemed content to barrel on, though Hackett seemed to have the decency to look regretful that he’d brought them here. “Commander Shepard, your wedding is all anyone seems to be talking about on the Citadel. It has become a message to the galaxy, a sign of positivity in the gloom of rebuilding and picking through the rubble, searching for the dead.” Shepard felt an old desire to punch the turian councilor at his words. He probably only needed a mirror and he’d call it an audience and give a speech.

“And as a result of that, heads of state from almost every world wish to be at your wedding. This venue is simply too small to house them all.” 

Mercifully, Hackett finally stepped in at this point. “Given the preparations involved, I believe it’s safe to assume they haven’t had time to respond to all the requests. Perhaps we should give the Commander and Major Alenko some time to consider a new venue.” Although he was trying to shoo the Council out, Shepard still didn’t like the way he was still essentially selling them out. 

Hackett had barely managed to get the Council out of the hall when Kaidan’s exasperation got the better of him. “A new venue?! Whose wedding is this, anyway?”

Shepard gently rubbed Kaidan’s back. He hated it, but a part of him did understand where the Council was coming from with this idea. He wasn’t any more enamored of it than Kaidan, but he certainly got it – the war had been brutal. The death toll was immense. But here was the man who’d saved them all, getting married. He could understand where the Council and any authority figure left would latch on to the idea, of trying to make Shepard and Kaidan’s wedding into a Big Deal, for the sake of morale for more than just them. The galaxy did need positivity now.

Still, just because he understood the political matter of it, it didn’t change the fact that this was his wedding they were intruding on.

Another thought occurred to Shepard, causing him to shudder. “If we bring this up to our mothers, they’re going to be pissed.”

Kaidan let out a moan at the very thought.

***

After everything, Shepard didn’t want to go to the ‘rehearsal’ dinner. It really felt more like a farce, given that the Council were still demanding a new venue and a hundred more diplomats. Hannah Shepard had pitched a fit at the idea, while Marisol Alenko had plastered on a smile and said that she could handle it. According to Kaidan, that was the reaction that she had when she was at her most dangerous. 

And all of this for a rehearsal at a venue that wasn’t ‘fit’ for the wedding. He was fully of the belief at this point that this was all so completely pointless that he and Kaidan might as well not even show up. From the moment the Council had arrived, they’d spoken about how wrong things were. Right now, Shepard half considered it the Council’s wedding, as opposed to his and Kaidan’s.

He sighed, wanting to just get things over with. Kaidan was still in the other room, getting into his tux. He rapped on the door. “Kaidan? We really should be going.”

Kaidan emerged from the other room and made his way to a chair, slumping into it. “I don’t see the point. The entire wedding is going to happen whether we’re there or not at this point.”

Now, Shepard was torn. Kaidan seemed to have hit his breaking point, which Shepard had been past for a while now. But Kaidan had been so determined to have this wedding, have the usual and traditional trappings. He would have been fine with simply getting things signed and calling it that. The post-war parties had been more than enough celebrations for Shepard’s life. He had little desire to have a celebration for other people to congratulate them – marrying Kaidan was not for anyone but the two of them as far as Shepard cared. 

He pulled up a chair next to his fiancé, debating what he should do. “What do you want, Kaidan?” Asking the question made Shepard realize that this was probably the first time that anyone had asked that since they’d announced that they’d be getting married.

Kaidan seemed just as aware of that fact, giving a hollow chuckle. “Right now? I’d settle for a marriage license and a shuttle.”

There was a gentle sound, someone clearing their throat. Shepard and Kaidan turned to see Liara, dress in an elegant dress of yellow and red. “I’m sorry for barging in. The front door was unlocked, and your mothers asked me to find out when you were going to arrive. I figured the quicker I could give them a response, the better it would be for all involved.”

The thought was terrifying, Shepard could admit that. “We’re... having some trouble with that particular concept, actually.”

“I’ve heard some of that,” she said. “Tali can be quite the gossip after a few glasses of turian brandy.” She looked between the two of them. “I may be able to help. I had a gift prepared, one I meant to give you after the ceremony. Under the circumstances, however, I think you might prefer to have it now.” She activated her omni-tool and inputted a few commands. 

“What kind of gift is this?” Shepard asked. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to take any kind of surprise at this point. 

Instead of answering, Liara smiled enigmatically. Moments later, there was a sound of rushing air. Shepard and Kaidan looked to the window to see a shuttle, looking like a standard Alliance design but with the identifiers removed. “I spoke with Lieutenant Cortez, and he and I decided that a preemptive honeymoon was in order. I managed to get a license put together, all you two have to do is sign and send it and you’ll be officially married. It’s on the shuttle, and after you do that, the Lieutenant will take you to where you want to go, and I’ll deal with the disappointed dignitaries.” She chuckled slightly. “Perhaps I should get in touch with a mercenary company or two for protection first, however.”

Both Shepard and Kaidan were speechless. They glanced to one another, having a silent conversation about this – running out on the wedding of the century, when their friends and family had invested time and energy into it felt like a really asshole thing to do, but at the same time, their time and energy was being coopted and overridden by people more interested in having an even than in letting Shepard and Kaidan have this day. And it left friends holding the bag.

Picking up on their hesitation, Liara gave them both a smile. “I assure you both, all of us,” and she emphasized that word, to make it clear that she meant the Normandy crew and the others who loved the two of them, “just want to see the two of you happy, whether or not we’re invited to take part of it. And I’m sure when your apartment is opened back up, we’ll all be more than happy to have another party there to celebrate the two of you. But you deserve to have this happiness. And the Council can go hang.”

The fact that this had managed to get that kind of a reaction out of Liara seemed to be the thing they’d needed to hear. The thought of frustrating themselves further with a wedding that really had stopped being about them some time ago wasn’t one they were really willing to go along with now. Not with the idea that they could go and start living their lives as married men staring them in the face.

“Liara, you are incredible,” Kaidan said.

“Thank you, Kaidan. The two of you deserve all the happiness you can find.” She gave both of them a warm embrace. “Now, you had better get on board the shuttle before someone at the reception hall realizes that there’s a low flying shuttle at your residence.” 

That got both of them heading for the door. A thought occurred to Shepard before he was through the door, and he looked back to Liara. “You know, if the Council still wants an event wedding, you and Javik could always take our places...” 

Liara blushed, shaking her head. “Shepard, you should go before I decide to cancel the paperwork for you,” she said, though there was no bite in her words. 

Shepard grinned and followed her advice.

***

They thought about going to a traditional honeymoon destination spot. They also quickly dismissed it as a possibility. What few were currently still intact enough to be open for business were flooded with people trying to relax and enjoy their survival. They’d never have a moment’s peace. 

Fortunately, there was another option. 

“I’d almost forgotten all about this place,” Kaidan said as Shepard settled down next to him on the couch, looking out at the landscape of Intai’sei.

“So did I. I was surprised Admiral Ahren hadn’t gotten it deeded back to him or something.” He’d certainly had the opportunity. But the small cabin on Intai’sei had remained in Shepard’s name. Much of the planet’s population had evacuated during the war, and even before that, to call the areas of population a colony was giving it delusions of greater grandeur than it had.

That made it a perfect retreat for the newlyweds.

Kaidan leaned his head against Shepard’s shoulder. “This is definitely more of what I wanted.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “I thought you were the one who wanted the traditional wedding,” he asked, remembering what he’d suffered getting to this point. 

“At first. But I realize now, none of that really mattered. It was getting to be here. With you. With my husband.” Kaidan smiled and kissed Shepard.

And as far as Shepard cared, the honeymoon could last for the rest of their lives.


End file.
